Unpacking experiences perceived as failure is scary, especially when you’re not used to them.

It occurs to me that out of all the time I’ve spent experimenting with projects, this is the first time I am dealing with a complete failure. There were always moments in my project when things did not turn out as I hoped, but this was the first time I returned from a shoot with nothing but ashes. In truth, failure is common in artistry, and my lack of experience with failing comes directly from me not working on concepts as much as I wish I did. It feels scarier than it should, like a point where I need to give up entirely rather than step back and assess what went wrong.  For a better Wyldcards project later this year, I sifted through the wreckage so that what happened at this shoot at Momocon does not repeat itself. 

I think everything can be traced back to the fact that I didn’t know what I wanted to accomplish. At best, I knew that I wanted a prelude meant to accompany MIRRORS INTO WYLDCARDS later this year, but that project wasn’t fully fleshed out. I knew I was obsessed with reflection: reflecting on stories we love, reflecting on what we have created, and reflecting on life as we know it now. I was also enamored by the idea of bringing this project to a major convention: the joke of AllenCon fighting to shine at Momocon by having the two experiences meaningfully collide. These two notions formed a cocktail of ideas involving cosplayers offering a tour of the convention experience by switching bodies with the characters they were cosplaying and “reflecting” on the stories we’ve come to love. The concept was incoherent and poorly thought out, explained, and maintained. Ultimately, the ideas did not land.

Unfortunately, I noticed the concept falling apart within the first 10 minutes of shooting and reacted by dissociating from my project. While decent images came out of it, I spent much of the project emotionally and creatively bankrupt. I didn’t try to do anything remarkable, I just wanted everyone involved to have a good time. And for reasons I cannot disclose, I failed at even that.

Returning home Friday feeling heavyhearted, believing myself incapable of concept building. I denounced the photoset. From there, my feelings snowballed, and one failure made me see inadequacy in everything I ever did. I gave up on MIRRORS and the Wyldcards series entirely. Even Tethers, a whole separate project, was wrapped up in the eventual mental destruction of everything I ever accomplished with a camera. My creative drive collapsed, and rather than get advice on the situation, I dealt with these feelings by myself. 

Those who know me know that my anxieties run rampant. I had to decide to make the voyage to rational, productive thought on my own. I had to remind myself that yes, the concept was not executed well, but that does make the concept of reflection less worthy of pursuit. Rather than throwing up my hands and abjuring everything I ever loved, all I had to do was excise the rot and start over from the beginning. I have three months to figure it out, and I know I’ll come up with something worth shooting. Funnily enough, the failure of a concept based loosely on reflection led me to reflect.  I picked up the pieces of the photoset rather than write them off, and I presented them the best as I could for what they came to represent: the beginning of the process. Once I adopted that mode of thinking, everything editing-wise came into place. Eventually, I came to like the set. Now that the ball is rolling in a better direction, I look forward to rebuilding Mirrors into Wyldcards, communicating what I want, collaborating better, and giving the project the thought, love, and process it needs to blossom. Thanks to one of my many battles with myself, I now know how to proceed and what to avoid.  

None of this adequately expresses my mental journey over the past month. Anxiety makes a career out of turning stumbling blocks into impassible walls. But I take comfort in the fact that, even now, I’m still learning! I won’t plateau with my previous work because I am working on bettering myself. It’s easy to forget that when dealing with all the noise in life.

“(I am) more than what you see, (I am) not yet what I shall be.”

-Allen.

View the full photoset here.